Family therapy can serve individuals, couples and families. As the article below states- not everyone needs to be there all the time, – people can attend in ones and twos, but it can open up conversations that really go a long way towards recovery.
In a new interview with The Telegraph, James Middleton opened up about his struggles with depression and his personal road to recovery.
His entire family—including Kate Middleton—took part in family therapy sessions with him to show their support.
Kate Middleton’s brother, James Middleton, is opening up his struggles with depression—and how his sister, the Duchess of Cambridge, dropped everything to help with his recovery.
In a new interview with The Telegraph, James described his personal battle with depression, which he, like many people, kept to himself for a long time. When James realized he needed help, however, he went to a private psychiatric hospital, where he voiced the fact that he was dealing with suicidal thoughts for the first time.
RELATED STORY
James Middleton Speaks Out About His Depression
“I remember thinking, ‘I might have to answer this one truthfully, because I want them to help me,'” he explained of confronting the doctor’s questions about suicidal ideation. “So I said, ‘Well, actually, yes, but I don’t think I’ll ever action it.’ In my report it said I had suicidal thoughts but wasn’t a threat to myself.”
Once James reached out and made a point to be honest about what he was going through, his journey to recovery (which included nearly a year of cognitive behavioral therapy) could begin.
“Before I started it I was completely lost,” he said, describing therapy as like, “sitting in a chair with a ball of wool made up of eight different colors, and then a therapist is sitting opposite you with a needle untangling it. When we started mapping everything out, and it was on a page, it was absolute chaos.”
Kate and James Middleton arriving at a concert in 2007.
ANTONY JONESGETTY IMAGES
James didn’t have to tackle the recovery process alone though. His entire family—including his very famous (and very busy) sister, Kate—joined him in family therapy sessions to support him.
“All of them,” he said, confirming that Kate took part in the therapy process with him. “Not necessarily at the same time, but either individually and [sometimes] together. And that was so important because that helped them understand me and how my mind was working. And I think the way the therapy helped me was that I didn’t need my family to say, ‘What can we do?’ The only thing they could do was just come to some of the therapy sessions to start to understand.”
World Mental Health Day 10th October 2019 #weneedtotalk
See www.familytherapyireland.com to access list of accredited Systemic Family Therapists. FTAI therapists see individuals, couples and families.
Topic: Sex Work: Contemporary discourses and the therapeutic context
Speakers:
Rebekah Leacy
Adeline Berry
Kate McGrew
Miriam Ryan
All will speak on the same topic, but from different points of view.
Continuing Professional Development (CPD) = 2 hours. CPD certificates will be issued by the Family Therapy Assoc. of Ireland (FTAI). See you @ the Systemic Cafe
Monica Whyte, President EFTA and FTAI member, opens EFTA Conference in Naples on 11th September 2019.. Title: Visible and Invisible: Bordering Change in Systemic Family Therapy. FTAI wishes you all the best, Monica.
Tell me about it: We cleared his debt and he promised to stop taking drugs but now he is partying again
PROBLEM: We were always very proud of our son. He is 24 years of age and still lives at home. He is our only child and up until recently treated us with great respect. We always knew he was fairly bright, but he struggled academically and, unlike his cousins and peers, did not go to college directly. We were never really concerned as he has a gregarious personality and we were confident he would make his own way in life.
After school, he managed to talk his way into a sales job and undertook a few short courses. Two years ago, he secured employment in a large, fast-paced firm where everything is focused on deadlines and commission. Initially, he seemed very happy and delighted to be working as part of a team and has had amazing travel opportunities. About six months ago, my wife noticed he was partying more than normal and often with different people. She also thought he was not as happy as usual and starting to be dismissive of both of us.
Since he became an adult, we had never minded him bringing girls home, but recently there have been a number of strangers at our breakfast table, which can be uncomfortable. About a month ago, things came to a head when he took my credit card and withdrew a large sum of money. He has used my card in the past but never without permission. It was the first time I had ever been really angry with him.
He broke down crying, saying he had started using a bit of cocaine to help him keep up with his workload, but that he was now in debt. We gave him €600 to clear his debt with the understanding that he would stop using drugs. He agreed. However, the partying restarted very soon after he got the money. My wife is anxious we don’t confront him as she is fearful we will lose him as she thinks we are more likely to keep a handle on things if we keep him close. I am not sure that this will work.
ADVICE: I wonder if your son were misbehaving and he was 12, would you be quite so hands-off? It is very clear to parents that they need to put corrections in place for younger children as they know it will serve their child well as they grow up. We want our children to learn about consequences, about self-discipline and making amends with others so they can go on to live happy and successful lives. The difference is that your son is now 24 and an adult but he is behaving like a child, with his parents fixing his problems and not dealing with any consequences.
Your son needs help and a crisis is often the best opportunity for someone to change their pattern and face up to what is happening. It is fairly clear that another crisis is imminent as nothing has changed, so you and your wife should be ready to deal with it differently. Your son is clearly loved and cosseted, but his behaviour is not acceptable, and he is treating you both with disrespect. As adult children live for longer times at home with parents, leeway must be given them in terms of bringing partners home, but this comes with dual responsibility – he must also behave as an adult if he wishes to be treated as one and this entails taking on his share of the household load. Contributing financially and physically to the household chores is part of sharing as a grown-up and you will be doing him no favours by not insisting on this. His future family will need him to manage himself, his spending and his duty to others if he is to be happy in his life and relationships.
However, it seems your son may have issues of insecurity that need addressing: he did not go to college and may be feeling inadequate in the team he is in. Cocaine is a drug that masks insecurity as it allows the taker to feel omnipotent for short periods of time so perhaps the drug taking is a way of coping with the demands of his life that he feels unequal to.
Loving your son now requires that you challenge him and indeed this may come as a relief to him as he continues to struggle. He needs professional help, as giving up cocaine is not a simple or easy task. If he is going to continue living at home, you will all need help and support to change the patterns that are currently allowing his behaviour to flourish. Your local Citizen’s Advice centre will have information on HSE drug assessment and treatment and this will include skills development in the areas of confidence-building and self-awareness. Your son is still very young and has an opportunity to look at his life and make changes that will stand to him for decades to come.
At 24, he is eligible to apply to colleges as a mature student and this has different entry requirements, so he may be open to seeing this as an option for the future. However, the big issue is that as parents, you must be firm and clear that he addresses his problems now. As this is a very difficult stance for you to take, it may be worth while consulting with a family therapist for a couple of sessions to help you develop your strategy.
Topic: Non-Violent Resistance (NVR): An integrated,
structured and systemic response to child to parent violence and abuse.
Training in the NVR programme, originally designed by Dr Declan Coogan (NUIG), will be introduced to Family Therapists who work with parents/carers who feel they have lost their authority in the relationship with their child. We will also focus on de-escalation skills, increasing parental presence and building stronger relationships.
There is growing evidence that building or restoring parental authority through NVR is also proving to be successful in addressing child and adolescent anxiety and self-harm. NVR is increasingly being used in foster care to reduce conflict and strengthen relationships. Join the growing number of child welfare practitioners around Ireland and Europe who are using NVR successfully.
The training is provided by Catrina Scanlan and Madeleine Connolly- both are practitioners, supervisors and trainers in the NVR programme, having completed their training as NVR practitioners and trainers with Dr Coogan.
Continuing Professional Development (CPD) = 2 hours. CPD certificates will be issued by the Family Therapy Assoc. of Ireland (FTAI). See you @ the Systemic Cafe
CLANWILLIAM INSTITUTE
DISCOVER OUR MSC IN SYSTEMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY
OPEN EVENT
TUESDAY APRIL 16TH, 2019
17:30 – 19:00
This comprehensive programme in Systemic Psychotherapy/Family Therapy has particular relevance for professionals in the health, social services, education, and related disciplines. This programme, which is recognised as one of the foremost psychotherapy training courses in Ireland has been running, subject to review and revision, for twenty-five years. The programme fits with academic and professional training requirements emerging from both Irish and European Academic and Professional bodies.
Please visit our website for more detailed brochure:
https://www.clanwilliam.ie/
FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT: TRAININGADMIN@CLANWILLIAM.IE
It is with great pleasure that we announce Monica Whyte’s recent appointment as President of the European Family Therapy Association (EFTA). It is the first time that Ireland has held this position and is a testament to Monica’s work on our behalf in Europe.
Monica previously served as Chair of the NFTO section of EFTA since 2013 and has represented FTAI in Europe for many years.
We are extremely proud of Monica, whose hard work and popularity in Europe is reflected in her appointment as President of EFTA.
We send her every good wish in her new and exciting role.
A Festschrift for Imelda McCarthy Phd was held in December last in the University of Bedfordshire, who created a Fifth Province to celebrate one of systemic field’s pioneers. A wonderful occasion – as shown in the photos below! Congratulations Imelda!
Emily Green Psy.D.
There Is Always Another Part
A 2019 Resolution: Go Off Script
This year, let’s challenge the rigid life narratives that keep us stuck.
If you had told me five years ago that this holiday season I would be wearing a Christmas sweater with a cat in a Santa hat on it, while proudly proclaiming myself a “cat mom,” I would have told you that you had lost it.
I was a dog person. I am a dog person. But as it turns out, as I discovered after stumbling upon and eventually taking in a meowing, underfed creature in my closed-in courtyard in Brooklyn one day in May of 2015, I am also a cat person.
I won’t lie, my insistence on my “dog person” identity probably almost stopped me from taking the plunge and welcoming a cat into my life. To do so would be to go against the narrative that I had written for myself, the collections of stories and beliefs and experiences that make up “who I am”. And had I stuck to the script- I’m a dog person, I can’t have a cat- I would have missed out on exploring an entirely different part of myself, a chance to flesh out a range of interests, emotions, and interpersonal connections that had been previously untapped. Now I buy Christmas sweaters with cats on them and have 491 photos of my own cat on my phone.
I tell this story as a suggestion to us all – and a reminder to myself- to make 2019 the year of shedding our attachment to the rigid narratives we spin for ourselves, particularly the ones that keep us from growing and expanding our lives. We all have a narrative about ourselves, who we are, who we expect to be, what we expect we will do going forward. For some of us, it’s based around our profession: I am a psychologist, I am a lawyer, etc. Sometimes our narrative is built around beliefs about ourselves: I am weak, I am strong, I am a Victim, I am a Survivor. We also write our story based on our feelings and experiences: I am anxious, I am shy, I am optimistic. Our narrative can extend to our future, as well: I will never be happy, I will always figure it out. And while it is of course important to have a framework with which we work from to know and describe ourselves to ourselves and to others, over-attachment to these descriptors can be more harmful than helpful.
Say, for example, an individual who defines themselves by their career as a police officer is permanently disabled and no longer able to work in law enforcement. For this individual, not being able to be a police officer becomes a deeper, more confusing cut- If I’m not a police officer, who/ what am I? We want to hold our self-descriptions lightly enough that they can adapt around the twists and turns that life throws at us. This means making room for positive twists as well. There are those who, likely based on difficult or abusive experiences throughout their development, may see the theme of their life story as “I am alone”/ “I have no one”. A rigid attachment to this theme makes it difficult to integrate experiences that counter that concept into one’s life. Perhaps you make a new friend or a family member is there for you in a time of need. We must work towards making space in our narrative for new and potentially contradicting experiences, because thus is life. There is always another part, and sometimes that part does not fit neatly into the picture you have already painted. Not allowing for these other parts to integrate keeps us stuck in the same storyline, not moving our plot forward.
Being more flexible with our life narrative does not just allow us to account for the detours that life hands to us; it also allows us to discover new roads of our own choosing, to actively explore paths that may not necessarily fit into a strictly defined self-description. The individual who describes themselves as “shy” may not go after an opportunity that requires them to be outgoing and sociable. Perhaps it is an opportunity that interests or intrigues them, that may open them up to other opportunities or allow them to move in the direction of important life values. Perhaps there is a part of them that wants to explore this path, but its incongruence with a rigid “who I am” story creates enough cognitive dissonance that they may abandon this intriguing opportunity for the comfort and familiarity of the old narrative.
Herein lies the struggle we must face with pushing ourselves to challenge the rigidity of our narrative; it is inherently uncomfortable to do so. Our narrative, while expanded upon and reinforced over time, is often written starting from a young age, a touchstone to which we return to in an attempt to make sense of and categorize our life experiences. Yet as we move through life, this touchstone tends to stay fixed even as the circumstances of our life, and our own emotional and psychological makeup, grow, expand, or change course. Like any other shortcut for categorization (stereotypes, heuristics, etc), what at times makes for quick and broadly accurate description in other contexts leaves us distorting or manipulating reality to get the narrative and our experiences to jive when they in fact no longer fit. Our narrative soon become akin to an old sweater, now too small, filled with holes, worn thin and no longer keeping us warm, but so difficult to let go of as it reminds us of a time when it kept us safe and comfortable.
The truth is that the stories we write for ourselves starting early in our life may always pop up, tempting us to stick stringently to the script. Sometimes it’s hard to throw that sweater away. But maybe we don’t have to. To try to rewrite our story completely is unrealistic, impractical, and perhaps not entirely possible. Instead, let us make an effort this year to simply hold our story more lightly. Let us try to put that sweater in the closet every once in a while, acknowledge that while it might always be there, our insistence on it being the only sweater we wear, despite the fact that it doesn’t work or fit the way it used to, might be keeping us stuck. To do this will likely be uncomfortable. In 2019, let us challenge ourselves to tolerate that discomfort. Let us push ourselves through the anxiety of a more fluid, flexible “who I am” story. To tolerate that discomfort is to open the door to the full reach of our personality, capabilities, and interests, and those are certainly achievements worth fighting for.
About the Author
Emily Green, Psy.D. is an early career clinical psychologist. She works at the Metropolitan Police Employee Assistance Program in D.C., providing psychotherapy to law enforcement officers.
Kate Middleton Went to Family Therapy to Support Her Brother, James
/in Articles, News /by adalyFamily therapy can serve individuals, couples and families. As the article below states- not everyone needs to be there all the time, – people can attend in ones and twos, but it can open up conversations that really go a long way towards recovery.
Kate Middleton’s brother, James Middleton, is opening up his struggles with depression—and how his sister, the Duchess of Cambridge, dropped everything to help with his recovery.
In a new interview with The Telegraph, James described his personal battle with depression, which he, like many people, kept to himself for a long time. When James realized he needed help, however, he went to a private psychiatric hospital, where he voiced the fact that he was dealing with suicidal thoughts for the first time.
“I remember thinking, ‘I might have to answer this one truthfully, because I want them to help me,'” he explained of confronting the doctor’s questions about suicidal ideation. “So I said, ‘Well, actually, yes, but I don’t think I’ll ever action it.’ In my report it said I had suicidal thoughts but wasn’t a threat to myself.”
Once James reached out and made a point to be honest about what he was going through, his journey to recovery (which included nearly a year of cognitive behavioral therapy) could begin.
“Before I started it I was completely lost,” he said, describing therapy as like, “sitting in a chair with a ball of wool made up of eight different colors, and then a therapist is sitting opposite you with a needle untangling it. When we started mapping everything out, and it was on a page, it was absolute chaos.”
Kate and James Middleton arriving at a concert in 2007.
James didn’t have to tackle the recovery process alone though. His entire family—including his very famous (and very busy) sister, Kate—joined him in family therapy sessions to support him.
“All of them,” he said, confirming that Kate took part in the therapy process with him. “Not necessarily at the same time, but either individually and [sometimes] together. And that was so important because that helped them understand me and how my mind was working. And I think the way the therapy helped me was that I didn’t need my family to say, ‘What can we do?’ The only thing they could do was just come to some of the therapy sessions to start to understand.”
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/celebrity/a29448717/kate-middleton-family-therapy-brother-james/
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/celebrity/a29448717/kate-middleton-family-therapy-brother-james/
World Mental Health Day 10th October 2019
/in News /by adalyWorld Mental Health Day 10th October 2019
#weneedtotalk
See www.familytherapyireland.com to access list of accredited Systemic Family Therapists. FTAI therapists see individuals, couples and families.
Sex Work: Contemporary discourses and the therapeutic context
/in Events, News /by adalyDATE FOR YOUR DIARY
Date: 25th September 2019
Time: 6.30p.m.
Venue: Central Hotel, Exchequer Street, Dublin 2.
Topic: Sex Work: Contemporary discourses and the therapeutic context
Speakers:
All will speak on the same topic, but from different points of view.
Continuing Professional Development (CPD) = 2 hours. CPD certificates will be issued by the Family Therapy Assoc. of Ireland (FTAI). See you @ the Systemic Cafe
Date for your Diary Systemic Cafe 25th September 2019
Monica Whyte, President EFTA, opens EFTA conference in Naples
/in Events, News /by adalyMonica Whyte, President EFTA and FTAI member, opens EFTA Conference in Naples on 11th September 2019.. Title: Visible and Invisible: Bordering Change in Systemic Family Therapy. FTAI wishes you all the best, Monica.
Our son stole from us to fund his cocaine habit
/in Articles, News /by adalyIRISH TIMES 7th August 2019
TRISH MURPHY
Tell me about it: We cleared his debt and he promised to stop taking drugs but now he is partying again
PROBLEM: We were always very proud of our son. He is 24 years of age and still lives at home. He is our only child and up until recently treated us with great respect. We always knew he was fairly bright, but he struggled academically and, unlike his cousins and peers, did not go to college directly. We were never really concerned as he has a gregarious personality and we were confident he would make his own way in life.
After school, he managed to talk his way into a sales job and undertook a few short courses. Two years ago, he secured employment in a large, fast-paced firm where everything is focused on deadlines and commission. Initially, he seemed very happy and delighted to be working as part of a team and has had amazing travel opportunities. About six months ago, my wife noticed he was partying more than normal and often with different people. She also thought he was not as happy as usual and starting to be dismissive of both of us.
Since he became an adult, we had never minded him bringing girls home, but recently there have been a number of strangers at our breakfast table, which can be uncomfortable. About a month ago, things came to a head when he took my credit card and withdrew a large sum of money. He has used my card in the past but never without permission. It was the first time I had ever been really angry with him.
He broke down crying, saying he had started using a bit of cocaine to help him keep up with his workload, but that he was now in debt. We gave him €600 to clear his debt with the understanding that he would stop using drugs. He agreed. However, the partying restarted very soon after he got the money. My wife is anxious we don’t confront him as she is fearful we will lose him as she thinks we are more likely to keep a handle on things if we keep him close. I am not sure that this will work.
ADVICE: I wonder if your son were misbehaving and he was 12, would you be quite so hands-off? It is very clear to parents that they need to put corrections in place for younger children as they know it will serve their child well as they grow up. We want our children to learn about consequences, about self-discipline and making amends with others so they can go on to live happy and successful lives. The difference is that your son is now 24 and an adult but he is behaving like a child, with his parents fixing his problems and not dealing with any consequences.
Your son needs help and a crisis is often the best opportunity for someone to change their pattern and face up to what is happening. It is fairly clear that another crisis is imminent as nothing has changed, so you and your wife should be ready to deal with it differently. Your son is clearly loved and cosseted, but his behaviour is not acceptable, and he is treating you both with disrespect. As adult children live for longer times at home with parents, leeway must be given them in terms of bringing partners home, but this comes with dual responsibility – he must also behave as an adult if he wishes to be treated as one and this entails taking on his share of the household load. Contributing financially and physically to the household chores is part of sharing as a grown-up and you will be doing him no favours by not insisting on this. His future family will need him to manage himself, his spending and his duty to others if he is to be happy in his life and relationships.
However, it seems your son may have issues of insecurity that need addressing: he did not go to college and may be feeling inadequate in the team he is in. Cocaine is a drug that masks insecurity as it allows the taker to feel omnipotent for short periods of time so perhaps the drug taking is a way of coping with the demands of his life that he feels unequal to.
Loving your son now requires that you challenge him and indeed this may come as a relief to him as he continues to struggle. He needs professional help, as giving up cocaine is not a simple or easy task. If he is going to continue living at home, you will all need help and support to change the patterns that are currently allowing his behaviour to flourish. Your local Citizen’s Advice centre will have information on HSE drug assessment and treatment and this will include skills development in the areas of confidence-building and self-awareness. Your son is still very young and has an opportunity to look at his life and make changes that will stand to him for decades to come.
At 24, he is eligible to apply to colleges as a mature student and this has different entry requirements, so he may be open to seeing this as an option for the future. However, the big issue is that as parents, you must be firm and clear that he addresses his problems now. As this is a very difficult stance for you to take, it may be worth while consulting with a family therapist for a couple of sessions to help you develop your strategy.
Systemic Cafe 14th May 2019 Non-Violent Resistance (NVR)
/in Events, News /by adalyDATE FOR YOUR DIARY
Date: 14th May 2019
Time: 7.00p.m. – 9.00pm
Venue: Central Hotel, Exchequer Street, Dublin 2.
Topic: Non-Violent Resistance (NVR): An integrated,
structured and systemic response to child to parent violence and abuse.
Training in the NVR programme, originally designed by Dr Declan Coogan (NUIG), will be introduced to Family Therapists who work with parents/carers who feel they have lost their authority in the relationship with their child. We will also focus on de-escalation skills, increasing parental presence and building stronger relationships.
There is growing evidence that building or restoring parental authority through NVR is also proving to be successful in addressing child and adolescent anxiety and self-harm. NVR is increasingly being used in foster care to reduce conflict and strengthen relationships. Join the growing number of child welfare practitioners around Ireland and Europe who are using NVR successfully.
The training is provided by Catrina Scanlan and Madeleine Connolly- both are practitioners, supervisors and trainers in the NVR programme, having completed their training as NVR practitioners and trainers with Dr Coogan.
Continuing Professional Development (CPD) = 2 hours. CPD certificates will be issued by the Family Therapy Assoc. of Ireland (FTAI). See you @ the Systemic Cafe
Date for your Diary Systemic Cafe 14th May 2019
Clanwilliam Institute Open Event 16th April 2019
/in Events, News /by adalyCLANWILLIAM INSTITUTE
DISCOVER OUR MSC IN SYSTEMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY
OPEN EVENT
TUESDAY APRIL 16TH, 2019
17:30 – 19:00
This comprehensive programme in Systemic Psychotherapy/Family Therapy has particular relevance for professionals in the health, social services, education, and related disciplines. This programme, which is recognised as one of the foremost psychotherapy training courses in Ireland has been running, subject to review and revision, for twenty-five years. The programme fits with academic and professional training requirements emerging from both Irish and European Academic and Professional bodies.
Please visit our website for more detailed brochure:
https://www.clanwilliam.ie/
FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT: TRAININGADMIN@CLANWILLIAM.IE
Monica Whyte appointed as President of European Family Therapy Association (EFTA)
/in News /by adalyIt is with great pleasure that we announce Monica Whyte’s recent appointment as President of the European Family Therapy Association (EFTA). It is the first time that Ireland has held this position and is a testament to Monica’s work on our behalf in Europe.
Monica previously served as Chair of the NFTO section of EFTA since 2013 and has represented FTAI in Europe for many years.
We are extremely proud of Monica, whose hard work and popularity in Europe is reflected in her appointment as President of EFTA.
We send her every good wish in her new and exciting role.
http://www.europeanfamilytherapy.eu
Imelda McCarthy Festschrift
/in Events, News /by adalyA Festschrift for Imelda McCarthy Phd was held in December last in the University of Bedfordshire, who created a Fifth Province to celebrate one of systemic field’s pioneers. A wonderful occasion – as shown in the photos below! Congratulations Imelda!
A 2019 Resolution: Go Off Script
/in Articles, News /by adalyPsychology Today 6 January 2019
Emily Green Psy.D.
There Is Always Another Part
A 2019 Resolution: Go Off Script
This year, let’s challenge the rigid life narratives that keep us stuck.
If you had told me five years ago that this holiday season I would be wearing a Christmas sweater with a cat in a Santa hat on it, while proudly proclaiming myself a “cat mom,” I would have told you that you had lost it.
I was a dog person. I am a dog person. But as it turns out, as I discovered after stumbling upon and eventually taking in a meowing, underfed creature in my closed-in courtyard in Brooklyn one day in May of 2015, I am also a cat person.
I won’t lie, my insistence on my “dog person” identity probably almost stopped me from taking the plunge and welcoming a cat into my life. To do so would be to go against the narrative that I had written for myself, the collections of stories and beliefs and experiences that make up “who I am”. And had I stuck to the script- I’m a dog person, I can’t have a cat- I would have missed out on exploring an entirely different part of myself, a chance to flesh out a range of interests, emotions, and interpersonal connections that had been previously untapped. Now I buy Christmas sweaters with cats on them and have 491 photos of my own cat on my phone.
I tell this story as a suggestion to us all – and a reminder to myself- to make 2019 the year of shedding our attachment to the rigid narratives we spin for ourselves, particularly the ones that keep us from growing and expanding our lives. We all have a narrative about ourselves, who we are, who we expect to be, what we expect we will do going forward. For some of us, it’s based around our profession: I am a psychologist, I am a lawyer, etc. Sometimes our narrative is built around beliefs about ourselves: I am weak, I am strong, I am a Victim, I am a Survivor. We also write our story based on our feelings and experiences: I am anxious, I am shy, I am optimistic. Our narrative can extend to our future, as well: I will never be happy, I will always figure it out. And while it is of course important to have a framework with which we work from to know and describe ourselves to ourselves and to others, over-attachment to these descriptors can be more harmful than helpful.
Say, for example, an individual who defines themselves by their career as a police officer is permanently disabled and no longer able to work in law enforcement. For this individual, not being able to be a police officer becomes a deeper, more confusing cut- If I’m not a police officer, who/ what am I? We want to hold our self-descriptions lightly enough that they can adapt around the twists and turns that life throws at us. This means making room for positive twists as well. There are those who, likely based on difficult or abusive experiences throughout their development, may see the theme of their life story as “I am alone”/ “I have no one”. A rigid attachment to this theme makes it difficult to integrate experiences that counter that concept into one’s life. Perhaps you make a new friend or a family member is there for you in a time of need. We must work towards making space in our narrative for new and potentially contradicting experiences, because thus is life. There is always another part, and sometimes that part does not fit neatly into the picture you have already painted. Not allowing for these other parts to integrate keeps us stuck in the same storyline, not moving our plot forward.
Being more flexible with our life narrative does not just allow us to account for the detours that life hands to us; it also allows us to discover new roads of our own choosing, to actively explore paths that may not necessarily fit into a strictly defined self-description. The individual who describes themselves as “shy” may not go after an opportunity that requires them to be outgoing and sociable. Perhaps it is an opportunity that interests or intrigues them, that may open them up to other opportunities or allow them to move in the direction of important life values. Perhaps there is a part of them that wants to explore this path, but its incongruence with a rigid “who I am” story creates enough cognitive dissonance that they may abandon this intriguing opportunity for the comfort and familiarity of the old narrative.
Herein lies the struggle we must face with pushing ourselves to challenge the rigidity of our narrative; it is inherently uncomfortable to do so. Our narrative, while expanded upon and reinforced over time, is often written starting from a young age, a touchstone to which we return to in an attempt to make sense of and categorize our life experiences. Yet as we move through life, this touchstone tends to stay fixed even as the circumstances of our life, and our own emotional and psychological makeup, grow, expand, or change course. Like any other shortcut for categorization (stereotypes, heuristics, etc), what at times makes for quick and broadly accurate description in other contexts leaves us distorting or manipulating reality to get the narrative and our experiences to jive when they in fact no longer fit. Our narrative soon become akin to an old sweater, now too small, filled with holes, worn thin and no longer keeping us warm, but so difficult to let go of as it reminds us of a time when it kept us safe and comfortable.
The truth is that the stories we write for ourselves starting early in our life may always pop up, tempting us to stick stringently to the script. Sometimes it’s hard to throw that sweater away. But maybe we don’t have to. To try to rewrite our story completely is unrealistic, impractical, and perhaps not entirely possible. Instead, let us make an effort this year to simply hold our story more lightly. Let us try to put that sweater in the closet every once in a while, acknowledge that while it might always be there, our insistence on it being the only sweater we wear, despite the fact that it doesn’t work or fit the way it used to, might be keeping us stuck. To do this will likely be uncomfortable. In 2019, let us challenge ourselves to tolerate that discomfort. Let us push ourselves through the anxiety of a more fluid, flexible “who I am” story. To tolerate that discomfort is to open the door to the full reach of our personality, capabilities, and interests, and those are certainly achievements worth fighting for.
About the Author
Emily Green, Psy.D. is an early career clinical psychologist. She works at the Metropolitan Police Employee Assistance Program in D.C., providing psychotherapy to law enforcement officers.
A 2019 Resolution Go Off Script